Timing and Tone
January 20th, 2007
Good communication is absolutely necessary for enjoying life, but sometimes it feels like a necessary evil. Sometimes good communication is just plain hard if not impossible. What you say is not heard the way you intended or the words get clouded by the tone in which you say them or you say them at an inappropriate time. I think good communication in some circumstances is only possible through supernatural empowerment. Perhaps you are familiar with what I am saying or perhaps you are just tilting your head slightly with a quizical look on your face. Either way I’ve made my point.
Here is what I’m thinking today about communication. No matter what our speech reveals something about what is on the inside…”from out of the heart the mouth speaks”. This means our speech can be a yellow flag for us, that signals we need a time out…not like our childrens’ ”time out” necessarily but some time to reflect on what is going on inside. When christians say things that surprise them and they wonder “where did that come from” they (we) should see that as a “red” flag because it is showing us something big is going on “inside” because we have just let something slip through our highly sophisticated grids that “usually” keep those words, and phrases filtered out.
So, my simple strategy for sour speech and a hurting heart is…seek some significant solitude walking with Jesus in the gospels as well as perusing the proverbs, with a prayer journal. The solitude helps to de-clutter our heads while Jesus and the proverbs pierce our hearts and the prayer journal provides a place to ponder and plead for God’s help for all we are finding in our head and heart. Finally, we must find at least one person with whom we can be absolutely honest with about our findings in our “time out”.
The proverbs say…”a Soft answer turns away wrath”…but what about my wrath? Soft answers are very hard to offer when we are angry. So, why are we angry? Just pondering…looks like I might need some solitude…SMILE.
Tony
January 20th, 2007 at 10:50 am
that was good communication…it put into words what i sometimes think but don’t know how to put it on paper. communication…it’s a bear. (see how much better yours came out!)
we’ll have our family update to ya’ll soon! take care & hug your beautiful wife & girls for me!
mel
January 22nd, 2007 at 1:26 pm
Yes, Com. is sweet and sour, bearing the greatest news ever to reach the ears of all mankind. God loves us and made a way to bring us to live with him forever!
The gospel is communicated in words of language. Unfortunately, pain and bad news come to us in words too.
There is also language that isn’t always in writing.
“The Word” become “flesh.”(from John 1 in the Bible) God in the form of a man existed before the words were written down on paper.
God has made language so that it does not always have to be written or audibly heard to be understood. (”The heaven’s declare the glory of God..”Psalm 19:1-3). We can communicate love or anger even when we dont speak the same launguage just from our face and body language. There is certainly the nonverbal element.
Because our words have so much power to bless or hurt both speaker and listener, must give as much of themselves to it as they can. Communication between two or more interacting must speak and listen as well as they can.
Both speaker and listener have a history of senory stimuli(often forgotten or repressed) affecting communication, that has developed from infancy, long before language development. These pictures and sounds can trigger emotions and feelings that affect our nonverbal behavior and our choice of words. They also affect the listener’s interpretation as well.
Another difference is the the way we take in information, process it, and decide what it means. We learn that too from infancy.
It’s no wonder we feel like we are speaking different languages. WE may feel rejected, angry, disappointed, lonely when we don’t get a listening ear or satisfying response. Our emotions affect our nonverbal communication making it even harder to get anywhere, especially in important relationships.
My story with communication. My hubby and I are opposites, which is great(if we were perfect, we have found some pluses), but easy to misinterpret words & nonverbals or the lack of them. Most of our marriage, we’ve had the “opportunity” of enduring daily unforseen health challenges. Stress, has magnified our differences, & “good timing” is hard to find. We may choose, to put a “topic to bed” or “kill” it altogether, for the sake of preserving each other & surviving another day. I wish we could “talk it all out” but life doesn’t always permit the time. My husband usually so wisely and lovinly sees this far before I do. I am usually “driven” to fix it. Being opposite, if we tried to resolve every issue we would be in the “court room” all the time; that’s just not feasible.
I believe our love & commitment have been severely tested, through stress & differences in surviving it. Sometimes instead of feeling love, unbearable has pain reigned, but, for me, if I did not love him so much, I don’t think the pain would have been so great.
He’s still my heart throb, but in these later years, I feel even more than romance. It is like comparing his giving me a rose to his becoming a fortress about me. It took far more work and a tougher love for him to become a fortress for me than it did for him to give me a rose. I have incredible respect and admiration for his faithfulness, willingness to endure and make tough choices. Like God, my husband, has never forsaken me, even when I have felt forsaken. I know this must have hurt his feelings many times, but he has never retaliated. I know, sometimes we feel forsaken by God, but we are not. It’s just that we cannot see His heart or fathom His knowledge, wisdom and work behind the scenes on our behalf. I think this can be true in our relationships too. That we can feel our mate has abandoned us emotionally, but so often, in order to survive and do what they must do, the hard perserving stuff of working and caring for the family there is just not enough emotion to go around.
Yes Communication is tough, the important thing is just not to stop trying! That’s my story on communication.
I looked up some references and found a thorough resource on nonverbal communication…a fact sheet put together by some psychiatrists as a help to the public in dealing with stress and communication during stress. Maybe it will be helpful especially to those who do counseling, and in their personal relationships as well.
It’s from: Coping.org: Tools for Coping with Life’s Stressors authored by: James J. Messina, Ph.D., & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.
The link is:
http://www.coping.org/dialogue/nonverbal.htm